Small Steps

What small steps are you going to do today towards your future goals?

Small steps everyday!

Love to you all x

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Not So Wordless Wednesday – I Am Here – Free Writing

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Talking to my inner peace, my space to take it all in, into my conscious mind

My physical body resting, peaceful in this place

My senses taking in the sounds around

The birds singing

The silence that isn’t silence

Humming in my ears

Whooshing of my heart

Softness of my breath

Clock ticking the fake time away

The now of just being here in this space

Taking notice of the way my physical body feels

The tightness across my lower back

Pressure on my tummy

The ache of my eye

Throbbing of feet

This all in my physical being that in this time I inhabit

Which is an instrument I can use how I will

Thoughts pinging here to there

I can be lead, let it me be guided for the better, learning, feeling

Being guided by an energy, a force that already knows

It is here to guide me

I am here to listen

Take note

For it is right

It knows what this ‘being’ is here to do

To teach

To guide

To help

To learn

I just let it be and it will come to my physical thought

My consciousness

It is right

It is all right

The energy has lead me to this point of now

I am guided

I am that

I am now

You Are Enough ❤️

Set it as a reminder on your phone!

Write it in your mirror!

Put it in your fridge!

Remind yourself….

You are enough

Love to you all x

The Ness, Devon, England

Took the hairy boy for a walk on the beach yesterday. Just beautiful!!

I’m very lucky that I live in a very lovely part of my country, Devon. This is Ness beach, which is in Shaldon near Teignmouth. The pictures where taken on the beach and then I walked along the coastal path, and looked down on the beach.

I love going to the beach just to clear my head. I often go in-between night shifts because I struggle the most, physically and mentally when I’m on night shifts. To be blunt it just fucks my body up!! But I’ve become aware of that now, I began to recognise the pattern so I put plans in place to support me during those times. I think that’s the key really when you having a low time…

  1. Recognising your patterns of moods…. When do they happen? What’s triggered it? Maybe keep a mood diary for a couple mouths so you can build up a picture.
  2. Plan for those times. Do nice things that make you happy such as listen to music, take a walk, hot bath, watch your favourite programme. Be kind to yourself
  3. Except that it is going to happen, and that’s ok. You are prepared, it’s normal, and it won’t last.

As soon as I excepted the fact that when I do a run of night shifts I’m going to feel tired, I’m going to feel low, I’m probably going to cry, I just felt better and did not stress myself out worrying why I was feeling like this.

Hope this helps.

Love to you all x

Surrey Sunset

Changing skies.

Like an oil painting isn’t it.

As the sun sets the colours change.

I feel there’s a book title in there somewhere!!

Change/choices/challenges/….

It’s amazing isn’t it that when you look at a picture what pops up in your head.

My beautiful dearest friend sent me these pictures of her walk the other evening.

Love to you x

#Wordlesswednesday – Moment Of Peace

Today I just want you to do one thing…

Take a moment,

Sit down,

Deep breath in,

Then out.

Press play on this video

Watch

Enjoy

Just let your mind wonder

At the moment I am listening to the audiobook Instrumental by James Rhodes

I, unfortunately can relate to James way too much, but like him music saves my life on a daily basis. without it I would not be here in this life. I was introduced to James by Richard Reed – If you just tell you one thing

I would highly recommend a listen or a read!

Love to you all x

Throwback Thursday 02/22/13 – WPC: Forward

As I have had this blog for a few years now, i thought it would be nice to revisit some old blog posts!

I posted this when I was still teaching, which profession I left 4 years ago now, and to be honest at times I miss. I miss the kids, the creativity, the fun. To be fair I can’t promise I won’t go back to it in some way in the future……

I wonder what these are up to now? Happy I hope….

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The reason I chose this picture for this weeks challenge, is this picture was taken while on my last school trip with last years year six class. And I felt this picture was very poignant because these two boys had been best friends all the way from nursery, all the way though ups and downs of their primary life, both of them being sometimes a little challenging in their behaviour but just boys stuff, one of them having what I call ‘the swagger’ they where both lovely boys with great senses of humours, I loved them them to bits like they where my own. We had been though laughter, dressing up in dresses, hitting me accidentally with a cricket ball, cheeky comments and tears together.

I think this picture matches the theme ‘forward’ well, because here for just this moment they are both looking out to the lake, knowing that soon their lives will be changing and moving forward to separate secondary schools and this friendship will change. It does make me shed a tear.

Love to you all x

Wordless Wednesday – Warmth

I feel we all need a bit of warmth, sunshine, glow and radiance on this cold, wet, windy January morning!

Love to you all x

What do you need more of in your life?

Good question…

At this moment, whilst I’m sat at work, watching the seconds to the end of my short break, and before I face another persons personal drama, as I hear the rain splashing on the toad outside, and the rattles from the building as the wind picks up again…

Sun… yes the warm, comforting, glow of the sun…. yes that will do right now!

Love to you all x

Daily Gems

Here is one of the amazing people that have helped me keep focused Jen Sincero

You are a badass… was one of the first books I read to help me on the road to recovery.

This email just popped onto my phone from Jen ……

Dear Badass,

Happy New Year!

I was thinking about you and your New Year’s resolutions for 2018, running wild with an optimistic “this year I’m not screwing around” fist raised high in the air.

And I realized that my personal resolution could perhaps help you keep yours. Hence, I want to share.

My resolution is to intend more this year. To make a daily, conscious choice to be more present, every morning. For example:

I intend to stop and notice five things I’m grateful for today

I intend to take a deep breath before speaking today

I intend to do something I’ve never done before today

I intend to organize my desktop today

I intend to chat up three strangers today

I intend to dole out five honest compliments today (to myself as well)

I intend to look on the bright side today

I intend to expect the best, no matter what, all day today

I love this exercise because it’s just one day at a time, which is the key to fending off overwhelm and helping you stick to things. You can do anything for one day. Hell you can set an intention before a specific moment, like before walking into a room (I intend to go slowly and take it all in), driving to the supermarket (I intend to be blown away by the miracle that is driving a car), sitting down to meditate (I intend to receive guidance on how to approach my boss for a raise), before visiting a grouchy relative (I intend to have compassion for my uncle who has had a hard life) or before taking a bite of a grilled cheese sammich (I intend to savor this bite and taste every nuance of its cheesy magnificence until I burst into tears of delight).

You can apply intentions to your resolution, no matter what it is. If your resolution is to quit smoking: I intend to treat my precious lungs like the great gifts they are today.

If your resolution is to make more money: I intend to do something that scares the crap out me that will push me towards my financial goal today.

Daily intentions are extremely powerful and simple because they break things down into bite sized chunks, shift our focus and, dare I say, make things kinda fun.

We have countless things all around us every moment to be amazed by, grateful for, thrilled about, educated from, in love with.

 All we have to do is remember to pay attention.

Here’s to a conscious and kick ass 2018!

 

Thank you Jen!! It’s exactly what I’ve been saying…

Daily habits

What are you grateful for today?

Love to you all x

Oh What a Circus, Oh What a Show

Staying out of other peoples drama, is my todays thought…..

I have been so guilty of it in the past and am still now but more mindful of it and to stop it in its tracks. I seem to attract myself to people that are ‘drama queens’, always something major going on with there life. If you have been a bit ill with the sniffles, then they have had ‘Arabian Night flu” and the doctors said it was touch and go they nearly died! You know the kind of people I am talking about we all have them in our lives, some are as close as family members, when you think, yes finally they are settled got themselves a nice house job girlfriend…. Oh no what’s happened now… To people we work with, friends etc

I think why I am saying all of this is what has helped me in my ‘I want to feel better’ quest is to distance myself from those people, not get fully hooked in, not join their parade, and start swinging the batons around with them.

It does sound selfish really I know but they are energy zappers, spirit suckers, thought drainers.

  • So I step out of the ring
  • I let them know I still love them
  • I am saving the energy for me

love to you all x

Where Do I Start?

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Here it is then a new year, beginning of a new week, new beginnings la de da… how many times have we heard that over this last week, the pressure of it all, thinking ‘shit’ if I don’t start something new today it will be too late, then that’s it I’ve failed before I have even started, now I have to wait till next year…..

And STOP its ok its not too late, it never is, it’s always a good time to start, the only time when it is to late is when we are dead!

I know that does sound a bit morbid but it is true, doing the job I do, I’m seeing them in and seeing them out and all the in between, and one thing I am sure about until you take your last breath there is always time, hope. Now don’t get me wrong I have my days and I am not ashamed to say, well I was but I’m learning to accept them, I have suffered from depression, I still suffer anxiety on a daily basis, panic overwhelming me like a wave of water over taking my head and body and this is what I was talking about in my last post, how do I get over this…over…wrong word, I don’t think I will ever get over, but what I am doing is learning how to manage, learning how not to let it get sunk right in, learning how to let thoughts of self harm, panic, self hate pass through like visitors… nice to see you but it’s always nice to see you go ….

Daily habits, as mentioned in last post,

So if you wanted, for example to be a concert pianist, it does not happen overnight, first you would get the resources, piano, music books, then you would go to someone that already knows how to play the piano, you would get lessons, then you would take on board what they have taught, because they are the person that have already done it, then you would practice what you have been taught until you are familiar with it, trained your muscle memory, then go back to the person that has more knowledge than you and go through the cycle again, you get my drift. Well these steps are the same for everything.

I want to feel better, spoiler alert…. it is not going to happen over night, so I am going to need resources, I am going to need to learn from someone or people that have learnt how to feel better, I am going to need to take on board what they have to say, now for the big one…. PRACTICE what they have suggested, then when I want to learn more and am ready for the next step go back to the people that have learnt more than me and carry on the cycle.

Recap

  • Resources
  • Expert ….. Oh I hate that word… expert… a drip under pressure!!!! A person that knows more than I do, yes I know, I don’t know everything
  • Practice
  • Keep repeating

What I am going to do in the coming year, I am going to share what resources I am and have used, including books, YouTube videos, pinterest and my best resource good old fashioned pen and paper. The people I have gone to that have and help me, whether that is someone I have never met but their writings have inspired me, to the people around in my life. How I practice, how I make time in my busy life of working in the ambulance service and now starting a second job in a mental health hospital, a family, grandchildren, dogs, you know all those time zappers. And how I find the motivation to keep going, what helps me, what stops me sinking into the pit with my dark passenger. And if any of this helps you then great! But if it does not then I am helping someone, I am helping me.

Love to you all x

Review, Reflect, Reborn

Wow 2017 what a year you have been. I started the year buying a page a day diary and wrote on page one in big letters….

This year is about self-help

  • Heal myself
  • No more hurt
  • Say no when I want to

As a child at school I was always a secret daily writer, and considering I was named as one of the thickos, in special classes, later labeled as dyslexic ,I kept a Dear Diary everyday and I still have those now… I’ve read them through, they are no Adrian Mole but a reminder of those times. I did not write about my feelings in those times because of the fear of someone reading it but what it did unknowingly teach me was about daily habits.

Daily habits have been my saving grace this year. I am a great believer in small daily habits. It’s trendy and traditional at this time of year to be setting your New Year resolutions, which really are another word for setting goals. But how many of us keep them up? And why is that? Many reasons I suppose, time, motivation, self discipline, goal feels too big because there’s no plan in place, fear, self talk, the kids need picking up, the tea needs cooking, where is your PE kit?, oh shit the dog just peed on the carpet, Aunt Bessie is ill, my nails need cutting, new series of Game of Thrones is about to start, why did you not tell me you needed to be dressed as a book character today, as we are walking out the door!!!! The list is endless.

Back to my words I wrote at the beginning of the year,

  • How was I going heal myself?
  • How am I going to have no more hurt?
  • How am I going to find the balls to stand up and say no when I want to?

This is what I have been asking myself in 2017, because to be honest with you they are massive asks aren’t they, ones that because of forty six years of learnt behaviours, negative ways of thinking, environments and people that have shaped me, all this I am going to have to change to reach the holy grail of happiness!

How am I, in the words of Russell Brand am I going to ‘unfuck’ myself?’

What are the things that have helped towards my written words I wrote?…. You notice I don’t like to use the words ‘goal’, ‘resolutions’ because I feel that puts me under to much pressure to achieve, and then I feel a failure or a loser or weak if I don’t achieve. These are just words, thoughts, no pressure, so what if I miss a day it does not matter, I can start again tomorrow, new day, new beginning, no failures just small steps, and as long as those steps are taken it is a step forward.

So here are the words I wrote a couple of days in my diary…

 

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I am hoping over 2018, and what I have written down in my new diary is, I want to help people like me that want to unfuck themselves, maybe share with people that want to read it how I am doing it, instead of keeping my writings to myself, share some of it.

Questions to ponder…

  • How have you done this year?
  • How do you feel today?
  • What words would you write for next year?

Love to you all x

3 Things I Am Grateful For Today…

Freedom

Today I had the freedom to wake when I chose, freedom to make a cuppa tea, freedom to get back into a comfy bed, freedom of technology, freedom of my own choice, freedom to make my own decisions, if I want to go back to sleep , I can, if I want to get up and go out, I can, freedom is a beautiful thing.

Health

Today I woke up and and have the gift of a new day, I can walk without pain, I can breath without a struggle. I can see the beautiful world around me and can hear my radio and my family.

Family

Whether that is my blood family or my chosen family, they are here if I need them, here to make me smile, here to listen to me, just here.

What are you grateful for today?

From the smallest thing…

Warm cup of tea, clean sheets, day off work, stroll down to the shop, birds singing, fresh air…

 

 

WPC – Face

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Weekly Photo Challenge

Thats a grumpy face!

This is the face of my Granddaughter when she has just been woken up!

Naughty Nana!

WPC – Earth, Brief Encounter

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Weekly Photo Challenge

Doing the job I am doing at the moment definitely puts everything into prospective.

We are here on this earth for a brief moment, one minute we are here the next we are gone, how ever you think of it, what your beliefs are, take this small window of life, grab it, squeeze the hell out of it, sometimes the journey is a struggle, thats ok because it doesn’t last forever.

You don’t take your ‘things’  with you,  you don’t take your money, that is all insignificant in the end.

You do leave behind the way you have made people feel, the way you have treated people, the kindness you shown, the care you have taken, the words that you have said, the laughter you have started, the tears you have shed, the memories you have created.

What are YOU leaving behind on this Earth? x

WPC – Landscape 

 
Weekly Photo Challenge  

Choosing a landscape photo is easy as I seem to have millions of them because I live in such a beautiful part of the world, having countryside, moorlands and coast to choose from! 

This is the panoramic view over the town I live near! X

WPC – Dance

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Weekly Photo Challenge

There’s rhythm and motion all around us…

Jete…

My boy on the beach a couple of days ago, see the joy in his face! x

Wordless Wednesday – Daisy

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This is ‘Daisy the cow’ we brought her at the weekend with some magic beans! x

WPC – One Love

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Weekly Photo Challenge

One Love, friendship

Looking back at my past blog posts I have used this picture three times. I love this picture because to me this represents the bond two friends have.

I took this picture a few years ago on a school trip to the local park. These boys where the classes little loveable rebels. I knew them from the day they started in nursery to the day they left in year six. They had been friends from that time in nursery and it had lasted all the way. They had their ups and downs, fall outs, but they always had that bond.

I’m so glad I caught this moment they had together that day, it just looked so peaceful, an unspoken conversation, closeness,  understanding. x

WPC – Harmony

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Weekly Photo Challenge

Harmony…Tricky, can mean a million things to millions of people. To me it is how things complement each other, how things belong together to make one whole, the whole picture of how sky, sea and earth together together make our world, and each picture we take of the sky, sea and earth will look completely different but are only made up of those three elements.

This picture was taken one summers evening, whilst I was sitting on a wall eating fish and chips, at Teignmouth, Devon, England. x

Selfie Sunday – Being Mum

My boys…  
  
 
The journey of being mum has at times been a roller coaster ride. It was a job that I never thought I would undertake because I was never the mumsy type. Don’t get me wrong I always liked children, other people’s, you can hand them back you see. I was never a mum that carried tissues in their bag to wipe sticky fingers, I was rubbish at remembering things like PE kits, dentist appointments, my best trick was turning up to appointments on the wrong day, remembering to pick them up after clubs. I was one of those mums as a teacher we hated, sending them in without a coat, not naming their clothes, not turning up for parents evening because I had lost the slip. To be fair I was expecting them both to be in therapy by the time they were teenagers because of the crap mother they had but apparently they seemed to have turned out alright, they say they love me. 

They say they liked the fact I was relaxed not pushy, fun, I didn’t  mollycoddle. I have taught them independents, they grew up able to cook, clean, look after themselves, help other people with no fussing or nagging on my part.  I just let them get on with things and learn by their own mistakes, which believe you me they have made some. 

At times I didn’t want to be a mum anymore, it’s the hardest job going, it’s a role that I wanted to  be better at, I wanted to be an earth mother, Mother Teresa, Mary Poppins, but I am not, I’m just me, doing the best job in the best way that I can! X

WPC – State Of Mind

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Weekly Photo Challenge

Interpret this how you wish….

Spiralling out of control?…

Cluttered mind?…

Trapped?…

Light at the end of the tunnel?…

I don’t know, you tell me x

Emergency Survival Kit

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Believe it not, what you see above is everything I carry with me on every shift. I like to have it all with me, most of it in my pockets, it makes me feel human, heres the low down…

  1. Reading glasses – It would be no good if I couldn’t read the addresses I am going to, the meds the patient is on, see the microscopic things in wounds, read my phone, etc.
  2. Sunglasses – Well for a start they make me look cool driving the ambo.
  3. Pens – For the writing on gloves, taping screen, and searching drug addicts pockets.
  4. Gloves – For general touching of everything and everybody, sometimes necessary to double glove.
  5. Scissors – These mothers cut through anything.
  6. Hand sanitiser – Can be also applied right up the forearms after visiting sticky carpet houses.
  7. Hand moisturiser – Which is needed after washing your hands a hundred times, and stripping your hands of any natural oils.
  8. Paracetamol – For the aches and pains after humping the tenth bigger framed person down five flights of stairs, because no large people get ill on the ground floor.
  9. Base makeup – So I don’t end up looking iller than the people I am seeing after a twelve hour shift.
  10. Chewing gum – To add to the coolness, and make my breath smell better at 3am.
  11. Mints – Just incase the gum hasn’t worked.
  12. Notebook – To be honest most of what is in there is spellings, these medical words are tricky fellas to spell you know.
  13. Lip balm – To stop my lips from cracking and falling off at -5 at a roadside of a vomiting teenager.
  14. Eye measuring thingy – Sorry don’t know the proper name, its also good for seeing small head wounds and key code pads.
  15. Eye drops – By 4am my eyeballs feel like they are going to drop out of my head, and my contacts are pieces of grit scrapping the membrane off my eyes.
  16. Eye spray – It wakes me up for a long 6 hour transfer.
  17. Nursey looking watch – This would help me count breaths and heart beats if only I could see the second hand…. refer to number 1
  18. My personalised stethoscope – This makes me feel doctorish, adds credibility that I might know what I am talking about, but it always helps if you have it turned to the right side, which on occasions I have had a slight panic thinking a person has no heart beat, even though they are sat up breathing and talking to me.

I hope you have found a slight bit of interest in what your local emergency person carries in those big green pockets. Keep safe x

WPC – Seasons 

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I thought I would post a picture for each season,

As you see above Winter, this picture was taken on my old iPhone when in the rare occasion we actually got snow here, the last time being 2010. We went on a snow walk to the woods, very atmospheric!

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Following the cold dark Winters is Spring, this picture represents Spring well here for me, because I live in the countryside the farmers plant the maze and then cover it with plastic which leaves an effect around us like we are surrounded in sparkly water.

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Then of cause my favourite time Summer, this is me doing exactly what I want to be doing all the time, say no more you get the picture!

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Then Autumn, or how some of you call it Fall, I love the colours at this time of year. The seasons just keep going round and round regardless, moving and changing. One thing you can be assured of. x

Weekly Photo Challenge

Selfie Sunday

  
I was up at 4am!! … I know that time does exist! Just on my break thought I would share the ‘now’ selfie. 

What day is it?”

It’s today,” squeaked Piglet.

My favorite day,” said Pooh

Happy Valentines! X

WPC – Life Imitates Art

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Weekly Photo Challenge

This is a tad abstract but in this piece of art I see the face of my handsome dog!

Can you see it? x

Open Letter to Jeremy Hunt

As most of the people that follow and look at this blog are not from the United Kingdom, I will explain who this man Jeremy Hunt is, he is a British Conservative member politician, who is at this moment our Secretary of Health. Last night after finishing a long shift at work, for those of you that don’t know I proudly work for the National Health Service as an Emergency Care Assistant, hoping to be one day a Paramedic. My role is to support the paramedic in what ever way that might be, which believe you me is very varied. Anyway after my shift yesterday I was reading on Twitter and listening on the news his reference to the NHS in an interview his words being…. the ‘ambulance driver’ who takes a patient to hospital…

I apologies if some of you might find this a bit gruesome, but it is the reality of life..

Dear Jeremy

Just to confirm what some of things an ‘ambulance driver’ does… hold an elderly lady of 104 in your arms whilst they take their last breath, cut a mother down after they have hanged themselves, talk a son down from a railway bridge who wants to jump in front of a train, perform CPR on a gentlemen in the middle of a busy supermarket for over an hour whilst their family are screaming at you to save their father, husbands life, comfort a wife who went to bed to find her husband had just passed away, get covered in blood whilst a patient is vomiting blood because their liver has ruptured, hold someones grandmas foot on to stop it from falling off in front of the family because they fell, administer drugs because a two week old baby is struggling to breath, wash out wounds on someones father because they have crashed their bike into a central reservation, help a homeless person out of a bin and check them over, listen to their story, buy them a hot drink and a pasty, the bin was the only place they had to shelter from the rain, immobilise someones daughter after a car crash to give her the best chance to carry on walking for the rest of her life….. shall I go on?

Jeremy just think about the words that come out of your mouth because they can not be taken back. And I hope that you think of this when god forbid any of your closest family members need an ‘ambulance drivers’ help.

Your faithful national health servant who is now going to get ready to do it all over again.

Selfie Sunday

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I have had a week off on annual leave, (well except Wednesday I went in as a favour!) And I have been doing lots of dog walks in the wind and rain.

The first picture I went for the Arabian nights look trudging through the desert, except it was so cold on my delicate little face I needed to cover it. The second look is the Men in Black look, dressed in a alien rubber protection from acid slime suit.

Vibrant Nature

 

Weekly Photo Challenge

My Second entry to this weeks challenge, the beauty of nature. I am sure I have many more pictures if I delve deep enough into the photo archives, but here are a tiny few that I could grab quickly. Again I don’t think I can take credit for taking these pictures, my OH is the clever one with the lens, I just benefit from them as material for this blog. x